hola friends! let me start of this blog with a question. have you ever broken something you just bought? if you did, how did it feel?
you see, i was going through a pretty rough time yesterday. as a fragile piece of work in progress, i let myself fall victim to something called "insecurity". it was one those moments when you just feel hopeless inside because deep down you know that there is nothing you can do to change one's view of you. crap. it was depressing. so i decided to take it up to God in prayer. before i went to bed, i find myself feeling awfully disturbed inside to the extent that i couldn't get myself to pray. even if i did, it wasn't like before when there was perfect communion with Him in spirit. i find myself trying hard to focus on Him. thought after thought came that somehow prevented me from seeking Him. i sought for the same peace and assurance i felt before every time i lay myself down at His feet. in the end, feeling a sick combination of hurt and exhaustion, i find myself saying these words before i was knocked out: "Lord, i can't put this in any other way..but i'm wounded and broken inside.."
unable to seek peace and rest from the True source, i defaulted to another nasty outlet that i thought was a quick "substitute".. .sin.
in the morning, i find myself unable to face Him in anyway. i didn't set apart time that i was suppose to spend with Him. i find myself running and running.
things got worse in the evening however. and i gave way to hatred towards myself and towards the people that i thought were responsible for the pain i had. once again, sinning even more.
i was at the church office for the Christmas rehearsal. it was late and i was waiting for my dad. the epic craziness continued devouring me from within, somehow increasing the size of the crack. i realized i was a fool for not remembering something. you see, the bible tells us of how God will graciously forgive us and purify us from all unrighteousness if we confess our sins and repent. so i sat in a small corner all alone and asked God for His forgiveness and grace. then, when i got home i started reading my bible and praying again. i find myself repeating the very same words i said to Him last night. only this time, God helped me to finish it. i find myself praying: "Lord, i'm wounded and broken in ways i cannot fix..look at what this separation from You has done to me..".and that rocked my world. =)
it's amazing how the Holy Spirit helps us to pray when we find it most difficult to express ourselves before God.
i realized, i was only making things worse when i tried to fix myself by defaulting to sin instead of running back to God. an amazing man of God by the name of isaac deitz once said: "maybe one of the reasons why God hates sin so much is because it makes us loose sight of who He really is -a loving and forgiving God ". we tend to run away from God when this happens. kinda like how adam and eve hid from God when they sinned.
when an iphone is broken, it needs to be returned to it's creator to be fixed or traded in for a new. and when this happens, someone needs to pay for the cost. we can surrender our broken lives to our Creator who is God. and thankfully for us, He paid it by giving His Son Jesus to die for us on the cross.
so thank you Lord, for peace. thank you Lord, for healing. thank you Lord, for reminding me that there is hope in you. and that there always will be. last but not least, thank you Lord, for loving me even when i'm at my worst and graciously taking me in even when i screw up and mending me when i'm broken.
*Rom 15:13* "May the God of hope fill you with joy and peace that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Spirit."
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